CoaP Episode #504 - Zero Bats
By: Hinky
It is a normal day at the CoaP warehouse. Shuki is beating Ego God at a game of Tekken, Hyper and Darth are getting wasted, Hedj is spreading cheer, and Dawginson is looking up ways to cook bacon quicker on the internet. While simultaneously eating bacon.
Dawginson: Create a bonfire by burning wood and then toss the bacon in? That's so brillaint I'm surprised I didn't think of it. There must be an even faster way though...
Dawginson clicks a link and gets an error page.
Dawginson: Ego God! Your stupid internet is broken! Come fix it!
Ego God, who is furiously button mashing and has Shuki's character down to 1/16th of it's health, looks up at Dawginson.
Ego God: Fix it yourself! Can't you see I'm busy!?
Ego God looks back only to find that his character has been K.O.'d.
Ego God: Dammit, look what you made me do!
Darth: It's pretty obvious what you should do. Blow the internet up.
Hyper: No way man, the internet is my only supplier of free porn!
Dawginson: And without the internet, how am I supposed to post new issues of Four Bats, quite possibly the greatest comic in the world?
Suddenly, there is a knock on the door.
Hedj: I'll get it!
Hedj opens the door, revealing Hinky in a travelling salesman outfit.
Hinky: Good afternoon sir/madam [select appropriate]. What lovely/unseasonal weather we are having today. May I compliment you on your tie?
Hedj: Hinky, I'm not wearing a tie. Furthermore, you're not tricking anyone with that disguise.
Hinky: Hinky? I do not know who this Hinky you speak of is. But by the sounds of it he's quite the handsome fellow.
Hedj: Look, why don't you just get to the point of this visit?
Hinky: Certainly. You see, I'm going door to door fixing people's internets. In fact, we're offering a special now. It's free. But you have to let me in now. And you can't watch me while I do it.
Hedj: Sounds reasonable.
Dawginson: Yeah, fix the internet! And make me some more bacon too!
Hinky: Why don't you make it yourself? It'll help pass the time it takes to fix the internet.
Dawginson: If by "make it myself" you mean "make someone else do it", fine. Ego God!
Ego God looks up from the game again.
Ego God: What!?
Dawginson: Make me some bacon!
Ego God: I'm kind of busy right now! I mean, I'm playing as Jack-5 and I've got Shuki down to a millimetre of health! And I've got a full bar!
Ego looks down only to find that he has once again been K.O.'d
Ego God: Dammit!
Dawginson: Jeez, fine. Hyper, make me some bacon. And don't put any beer in it this time. Try ice cream instead.
Hyper: Aye aye, cap'n!
Hyper runs off, and is followed by Dawginson. Hedj follows them as well. Darth goes upstairs to make plans for a nuclear bomb, while Ego and Shuki are distracted with Tekken.
Hinky: Good. With all those imbiciles distacted my plan can finally come to fruition. Gwahahahahaha! Mmmmmm... fruit.
Hinky takes his hat off, sits at the computer desk and begins to mash the keyboard with his forehead repeatidly. After a good 3 minutes of mashing, he stops. Several keys have gone missing from the keyboard, and are now implanted in his head.
Hinky: All done!
Dawginson pears in from the kitchen. He has a mouthful of bacon ice cream.
Dawginson: Rearry? Awight! Tanks Mischer Salesman!
Hinky: Uh... sure. Whatever. Have a nice day.
Hinky puts his hat back on and leaves the house.
Dawginson: What a nice salesman. Not like that idiot, Hinky. This has inspired me to make a new issue of Four Bats!
Dawginson clicks around for a while then stares at the screen blankly.
Dawginson: Oh... my... god. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Dawginson's voice causes the whole house to shake, and the roof pops off. The whole CoaP gang rush in quickly, with the exception of Ego God and Shuki.
Darth: What's wrong? Is there a problem? Should I nuke it!?
Dawginson: Somebody deleted all my Four Bats comics!
Hyper: DUN DUN DUN!
Dawginson: And that salesman didn't even fix our internet! Man, if I knew who he was I'd kill him!
Hedj: ... Dawginson, it was Hinky for crying out loud.
Dawginson slaps his forehead.
Dawginson: Of course! I knew I could smell his Bizeushness somewhere! He must have deleted my comics!
Darth: Should we nuke him?
Dawginson: Hold on to that thought. If we can fix the internet I can get my comics back by downloading them.
Hedj: But none of us know anything about the internet!
Hyper: What are you talking about? I know lots about the internet. Like how it has porn...
Dawginson: ... and bacon!
Hyper: And bacon porn!
Hedj: ... ew.
Dawginson: Gang, I hate to say it... but we've finally been beat. By Hinky of all people. This is quite possibly the worst day of my life. The only thing that would console me now is lots of bacon ice cream. And bacon chocolate bars.
Hedj: Aw, don't worry Dawginson. Hedj will make it all better!
Hedj runs into the kitchen.
Meanwhile, Hinky is talking to the shadowy figure in the dark.
Hinky: My lord, the eagle has landed and the soup is in the bedroom.
A muffled whisper can be heard from the shadows.
Hinky: Yeah, I don't know what that means either. But what I do know is I've destroyed Dawginson's one and only source of power: the power of advertisement. Now that he's in a weakened state we can finally destroy him!
A muffled whisper can be heard again.
Hinky: No, I don't know how we're going to do that either. I was hoping you would know.
Back at the warehouse, Hedj is spoon feeding Dawginson bacon ice cream, as he weaps in despair. Hyper has called an electronic help line.
Helpline: Alright alright, now calm down. Just click on 'My Computer'.
Hyper: What? How can I click on your computer? I don't even know where you live!
Helpline: *Sigh* Is there anyone in your house with an IQ higher than 40?
Shuki grabs the phone.
Shuki: Give me that, will ya?
Helpline: Please don't be another moron.
Shuki: Hello?
Helpline: Okay, listen to me. Click on 'My Computer' on your desktop.
Shuki: Done.
Helpline: Now check the recycle bin. Is there anything in there?
Shuki: Just a bunch of crappy looking comics. Should I empty it?
The CoaP gang looks at Shuki, startled as she's about to click 'Empty'.
All: Noooooooooooooooooooo!
They all dive at her, knocking here down to the floor.
Helpline: Hello? Hello? Anyone there?
Dawginson picks up the phone and holds it upside down.
Dawginson: Guess what!? Four Bats has been saved! It's been saved! Isn't that great? You should read it!
Dawginson cannot hear a respone.
Dawginson: Hello? Helllllllllooo?
Dawginson hangs up.
Dawginson: Ego God! Your stupid phone is broken! Come fix it!
Ego God is playing Tekken, but looks up anyway.
Ego God: Do it yourself!
Ego looks back to find he has been K.O.'d
Ego God: Dammit, Shuki beat me again!
Shuki: Uh... Ego? I'm not even playing. In fact, you have it on training mode.
Everyone but Ego: Ha ha ha! That's our Ego!
Everyone has a good laugh as the camera zooms out.
In a dark room, Hinky looks outraged.
Hinky: Next episode, Dawginson. Next episode!
The End
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