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Today at the warehouse most of the CoaP gang can be found sitting in front of the TV. Zin, CK, Nuku and Hyper can all be found there. Meanwhile Neon can be found in the kitchen while Super is somewhere else.
TV News Reporter: And the crash left no survivors. In other news a local Seven Eleven was held up last night and…
CK: Blah can we watch something else besides the news.
Hyper: Yeah this guy on the TV seems like a total asshole.
Nuku: How do you figure Hyper?
Hyper: All he does it talk about all these bad things that happen and points out everything that is wrong in life.
Zin: Well that’s the news for you.
Hyper: Well why is it always bad news? I’m sick of hearing about how a bunch of people died in some freak accident or how some child has gone missing and is assumed to have been raped and killed. How comes we can’t hear good stuff like “Breaking news! A cure has been discovered for both cancer and aids!” or like “Ice Cream company to have customer appreciation day and hand out free ice cream!” or something? Nope always a bad news. Man shit is fucked up.
Nuku: Sadly theres a lot wrong with the world today so that’s what we’ll be seeing on the news.
Just then Neon Chaos walks into the living room after overhearing the conversation.
Neon Chaos: Well hows this for good news. I just had a big screen TV installed in the SoaH Machine!
CK: Wooo sweet!
Hyper: That’s lame! It just means more news!
Zin: Or we can use it to play video games.
Hyper: Well I guess that works.
Just then Super comes running into the living room.
Super: Hah I got way better news then that!
CK: What that you’ve finally come out of the closet and are getting married to Cal?
Super: What!? No! I just won 6 tickets to go see The Offspring live in concert this Friday!
Zin: Wow that’s awesome! And there just so happens to be six of us!
Hyper: What are the odds?
Nuku: I didn’t know The Offspring was playing anywhere near here this week. Where are they going to be?
Super: Uh… I’m not completely sure.
Neon: Let me see those tickets.
Neon takes the tickets from Super and exams them.
Neon: Super, you idiot! These tickets are for the European Tour!
Super: Haha you’re a peein. That’s a pretty creative tour name.
Nuku: No Super he means that it’s a tour of Europe.
CK: You know, the country?
Super: Ah crap, that shit is fucked up.
Neon: Yeah this show in particular is in the UK.
Zin: Man to bad we don’t live in the UK.
Hyper: Or do we?
Nuku: No Hyper we don’t.
Hyper: And how do we know that? I don’t recall it ever being specified where we actually do live. We could be anywhere!
Super: He’s right! And CK is from the UK right? So maybe that is where we are!
CK: I’m pretty sure this isn’t the UK.
Neon: Yeah most of us are from the USA so it’s just assumed that’s where we live. Now let’s stop breaking the fourth wall and get back to the problem at hand. I mean shit is really starting to get fucked up.
Super: So I take it were not going?
Neon: Oh were going. It’s time for a road trip gang!
Everyone: Woooo!!!
Nuku: Wait how are we going to drive to the UK?
Neon: In the van duh. Now everyone get ready!
The gang all run off and begin to prepare themselves. But this part isn’t important so we’ll cut to an hour later with the gang ready to depart. Everyone one is found all packed and ready to go while Neon is seen getting directions from Map Quest.
Neon: Ok guys I got the directions. Apparently the UK is over 9000 miles from our current unrevealed location.
Zin: Dude the over 9000 joke is really getting old.
Neon: What joke? Map Quest says it’s 9583 mile trip. Therefor over 9000.
Nuku: Yeah and according to this map we need to swim across the Atlantic Ocean.
Neon: Don’t be silly Nuku were driving. No swimming for us, now to the van, we depart now!
Nuku: But…
The Guys: Wooooo!!!!
Everyone runs out the door and we cut to the gang in the van pulling out of the driveway a driving away.
Neon: And were off!
Everyone: Wooo!!!
Zin: Good thing Neon installed this TV. Now I can play Brawl all the way to the UK!
CK: I call two player!
Hyper: Hey Neon while those two play with their Wii you should totally put in this Offspring Mix CD I burnt before we left.
Neon: All right sure!
Super: What songs did you put on it dude?
Hyper: All of them! Man I never knew those disks had so much space on them. Makes me wonder why artists don’t put out longer albums.
Nuku: Um there’s no possible way that you fit all their songs on one CDR.
Hyper: What are you talking about? I even had room left over.
Neon: Hyper you moron this wont play, you must of burnt it as a data CD!
Everyone falls over anime style in the back of the van because falling down is funny.
CK: Well that explains it then.
Hyper: I still don’t get it.
Nuku: And you probably wouldn’t even if we explained it to you so we won’t.
Hyper: Blah…
Super: Don’t worry dude I brought a copy of the new album so we’ll just listen to that.
Super hands the disk to Neon and he inserts it into the stereo system and The Offsprings “Half Trusim” plays as they continue on there road trip. Eventually day turns to night and then nights turns to day again and the van is shown driving down a long road.
Hyper: Hey dudes were running low on beer.
Super: Hyper is right, the kegs are empty and were down to our last six pack.
Neon: Hmmm well luckily there’s a gas station at the next exit. Maybe they’ll have a mini mart there to get some beer at.
Zin: And maybe a bathroom. I’m getting tired of having to pee on the side of the road.
The gang all nod there head in agreement as they get off at the exit and soon they arrive at the gas station which luckily has a mini mart selling beer.
Neon: Ok guys time for a pit stop. Use the bathroom if need be, Hyper and Zin you guys go get the beer, I’m gonna check the van over to make sure everythings good. We don’t need to break down in the middle of nowehere.
Nuku: Maybe we should get some gas too.
CK: But we just filled it last month. We should be good for awhile.
Neon: Yeah gas is the least important matter to attend to.
Nuku: Making sure the gas take is full should be our main priority!
While Neon and CK argue with Nuku about gas Super is seen inside the van relaxing and listing to The Offspring. “You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” can be heard coming from the stereo as Zin and Hyper make there way to the mini mark. Meanwhile inside the mini mart we find Cal and his henchmen Cam and Car dressed up mini mart worker disguises.
Cal: Quick henchmen we need to hide all the 6-packs of beer before the CoaP gang gets here!
Cam: But Cal we’ve done this twice before and it backfired!
Car: Honk! Honk!
Cal: Yes but you know what they say, third times the charm! Now hurry up!
Cam: Yes sir!
The Henchmen hide all the beer behind a Diet Cola display.
Cal: Excellent. They'll never think of looking there... just like last time. Now for the first phase of my plan!
Cal places a single six pack of beer at the display.
Cam: Hyper and Zin sighted heading towards the mini mart sir!
Cal: Right on time, quickly men we need to hide!
Cal and his henchmen hide behind the counter as Hyper and Zin enter the store.
Hyper: Where's the beer?
Zin: Calm down I’m sure they have plen…ty? The fuck?.
Hyper: The fuck!? There’s only one six pack!?
Zin: Man shit is fucked up.
Hyper: Really it is… well whatever, better this then none I suppose. Let’s get it and go.
Hyper and Zin grab the beer and walk up to the counter.
Zin: Anyone here?
Cal jumps up from the counter with a fake mustache on.
Cal in disguise: Good day mates!
Hyper: Were not your mates!
Zin: Yeah really were straight dude.
Cal in disguise: I'm straight too! Yup straight as can be.
Zin: Yeah whatever. Anyway we want to buy this beer.
Cal in disguise: Sure thing.
Cal rings up the beer and Zin pays.
Cal in disguise: Hoping to win that contest?
Zin: Contest?
Cal in disguise: Yes there is a contest and you could win a chance to tour a real beer factory!
Hyper: Dude that would be so awesome!
Cal in disguise: Yes it would! So bye and good luck with the contest mates!
Zin: Thank you.
Hyper and Zin leave.
Hyper: That guy was soooo gay!
Zin: Yeah he seemed familiar to me… in fact that whole experience felt eerily familiar. Like it’s happen before.
Zin and Hyper get back to the van and the gang gets ready to drive off.
Neon: That’s all they had!?
Hyper: Yeah… maybe someone’s throwing a party somewhere.
Zin: Or it could be that contest the clerk told us about.
Nuku: Contest… Let me guess it’s a contest to win a chance to visit a beer factory.
Zin: Yeah how did you know?
Nuku: Wild guess…
Neon: Well were just going to have to make that beer last until we find another place to stop.
They drive off as Hyper cracks open a beer and begins to chug it down.
Hyper: Holy crap guys, I won!
Super: No way dude! That’s like the third time!
Hyper: Deju fucking vu!
CK: Wooo! Were going to a beer factory!
Nuku: What!? You got to be kidding me!
Neon: Hey that beef factory just so happens to be down the road!
Zin: Wow what are the odds?
CK: Come on let’s go!
Neon: Alright!
Within moments the gang arrive at the Beer Factory.
Hyper: Well this is so awesome guys.
Nuku: Um aren’t you guys forgetting something? You know… The Offspring concert!
Super: Crap she’s right! We have to make it to the UK in time for the show! We can’t waste precious time touring a Beer Factory!
Neon: He’s right. Hyper wins these contests all the time. It’s only once in a lifetime one us wins Offspring tickets. Let’s get back on track guys!
Everyone: Woooo!!!!
They drive off away from the Beer Factory and get back on the highway as “Takes Me Nowhere” by The Offspring plays on the stereo. As the van fades from view we cut to inside the Beer Factory.
Cal: Mmmmmmyesssss!!! Soon the CoaP gang will arrive and I will finally marry Neon! Mmmmyesss!!!
Cam: Are you sure they’ll fall for this again? I mean come on…
Cal: Silence! They’ll be here any minute now!
6 Hours Later.
Cal: Yup… any minute now.
12 Midnight.
Cal: Oh come on! How could a bunch of drunken morons possibly pass up the chance to visit a real Beer Factory! Shit is seriously fucked up!
The screen fades to black and is soon replaced by the SoaH Machine driving again during the day. Nuku is currently at the wheel giving Neon a break. The guys are all in the back drinking beer as “Trust In You” by The Offspring plays on the stereo.
Hyper: Thank god we found another place to buy beer this morning. The lack of alcohol in my system was starting to get to me.
Super: I know what you mean dude.
Nuku: Say guys I like The Offspring and all but aren’t you guys tired of listing to the new album yet? It’s been on repeat for almost three days!
Neon: Well maybe if Hyper knew how to work a CD Burning program we’d have a mix CD to listen to as well.
Hyper: Hey shut up!
Nuku: Well I’m turning the radio on for awhile.
Nuku switches the CD player off and turns on the radio and “Inside the Fire” by Disturbed begins playing.
Super: I guess that’s ok. But we’ll need to listen to the new Offspring CD again soon.
Zin: Hey Hyper, didn’t you and Supa just go to see Disturbed earlier this month?
Hyper: Yeah and I had the VIP pass to the pre-show and got to meet Disturbed!
Flashback to when Hyper and Supa met Disturbed.
Supafly: Holy crap dude it’s them! It’s really them!
Hyper: You Dave can I get an autograph? Ah ah!
Dave: Did you just say “ah ah” after you were done?
Hyper: Yeah man pretty cool huh? Ah ah!
Dave: Knock it off!
Hyper: Why? You do it all the time! Ah ah!
Dave: I don’t do it that much.
Hyper: Do so. Ah ah!
Dave: Oh yeah! I’ll go the entire night without saying it! You’ll see!
Dave and the rest of Disturbed walk off.
Hyper: Hey wait me and my friend wanted autographs!
Supafly: Nice one dude…
Later after the concert.
Hyper: Wooo that was awesome dude!
Supafly: Fuck yeah man!
Elsewhere at the same show.
Mecha: That concert sucked! Dave didn’t say “ah ah!” even once!
Chao Thing: I know! What a let down!
End Flashback.
Hyper: Yeah that was pretty awesome.
CK: Hey maybe we’ll get to meet The Offspring… again.
Zin: And maybe they won’t be pissed at us anymore…
And so the gang discussed their past concert experiences as the day went on and within a few hours Neon was back at the wheel and the SoaH Machine pulled up to a large body of water.
Neon: Guys we reached the ocean!
CK: Holy crap!
Zin: Say how are we going to like… get over the ocean?
Nuku: That’s a problem I tried to explain twice at the warehouse but no one listened.
Neon: Shit…
Super: Not a problem. Remember how I had the flotation devices installed?
Neon: Duh I can’t believe I forgot! Let’s go gang!
Super: No wait you have to…
Before Super can finish Neon floors it and drive the van off a cliff and into the ocean. The SoaH makes a huge splash and sinks like a rock and we cut to the gang in the SoaH Machine underwater. Everyone is floating around in the back while Super tries to shout at Neon.
Super: Blubuu bubluu buluuubluu bu!!!
Translation: You idiot you need to hit the F button!
Neon: Blub blub bluuubluu, blublu buuuu bluublublublbububluu!
Translation: Dude I can’t hear you, were underwater!
Super: Bluubluu…
Translation: Idiot…
Super swims over to the drivers console and hits the big blue F button which causes the Van’s rafts to inflate. Soon the SoaH Machine emerges from the ocean in a big splash.
Super: Dumb ass! You forgot to hit the button need to make the van water accessible!
Neon: Uh … ooops!
Nuku: Ack everything is soaked!
Zin: Nooooo!!!! The Wii won’t work! How will I play Smash Bros!?
Hyper: Stop complaining about your broken Wii, my beer has water in it!
CK: Actually that’s you’re Wii.
Zin: Yeah we grabbed yours just to be safe.
Hyper: You two did what!?
CK: Uh… look there’s water in your beer!
Hyper: Water!? How the hell did that happen!
Nuku: Neon drove the van into the ocean!
Hyper: Damn it Neon you need to watch were you going! It’s not like oceans just jump out of nowhere! There not trees!
Neon: Ok guys let’s all just relax. Things are under control now and it’s one straight path to the UK. We should be there by morning.
Super: We better be because the show is tomorrow night already.
Neon: We’ll make it. Rest assure.
And so the SoaH Machine continues on its path across the ocean. Soon day turns to night and night turns to morning and the van is seen nearing land. Have the CoaP gang finally reached the UK? Will they finally get to see The Offspring live in concert? Find out in “Shit is Fucked Up, Part 2: The Mystery of The Offspring’s Missing Instruments”